Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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