At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
