There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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