Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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