I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
