Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
