I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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