Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
