dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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