I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
