just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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