We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
