The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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