he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
im on a boat
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