Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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