I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
