I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
