i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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