I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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