After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
