you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
