4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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