after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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