my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
