Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
