I accidentally burped into my bong.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
