Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
