Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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