He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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