So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
