I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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