I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
