Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
