six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
