Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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