We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
