I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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