How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
