yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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