saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
