saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize