my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
