two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
