Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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