If that was your dad, he is hot
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
