At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
