Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
