I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
