Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
