Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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