if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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