Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
