We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
