Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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