What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
